People are hurting. I’m sure you’ve noticed, it would be really hard not to notice. But what are we doing about it? Are we trying to meet them where they are with absent-minded phrases, or talking about their business to others as if we are concerned? What are we really doing about all of the hurting people in the world?
Are we ranting on social media? Are we bashing things we don’t understand? Really, let’s take a moment to reflect…
My heart is heavy today, can you tell?
Instead of being hard on ourselves for not loving as well as we are capable of, I’ve listed some ways we can be there for those who are hurting.
1. Don’t try to identify with them. We can’t, nobody can.
“I understand what you are going through.” Okay, let me just say it right now…no, you don’t, I don’t, and heck, they probably don’t either! Humans are unique. We all are different with our own tailored ways of communicating, processing, and grieving. Every situation each of us encounters comes with its own unexampled emotion and individual scenario. Do we go through similar things, yes! But losing your home in foreclosure versus forced downsizing are two totally different things. Losing a parent versus losing a child are two totally different things. We don’t know exactly know what people feel or think, and that’s okay! What’s not okay is pretending that we do. This only brings frustration and feelings of being misunderstood all while unknowingly minimizing their hurt.
2. Give them space
Let them breathe and give space for processing. Don’t make their business your own through social media or public communication. The last thing they need is for others to know their tragedy before they have even had time to process their new, unexpected reality. Now, let us recognize that space necessarily doesn’t mean silence. These two are often easily confused. Many times I have sent a text when I felt it was appropriate with something like.. “I want to be respectful of your space, but while you are processing know that I love you and am here when you are ready.” Short, simple, pain acknowledged, love shown, wah-lah!
*Disclaimer: everyone is different and varying levels of relationships would obviously warrant less space shown after a tragedy has occurred. Your wisdom and intuition will serve you well.
3. Pray WITH them
“Praying!” We see this all the time in heart-wrenching social media threads. I too have said I would pray for someone and then innocently forgotten. Instead of saying we will pray, let’s actually pray. Many times I will write out my prayer and send the prayer to them privately. It doesn’t have to be long, it doesn’t have to be deep. If anything this shows that you care enough to take time out of your day to write a prayer for them. If you are with them, pray WITH them right there on the spot. That’s right, on your college campus, at work, or in a Starbucks right smack dab in the middle of all humanity. What a powerful moment of expressed love when we lay our pride on the table, take a hand and get real in the boldest way.
4. Love them practically
“Please let me know if you need anything!” I am guilty of these words followed with no tangible proof. I can PROMISE you, people who are hurting already feel like a bother and many times aren’t going to tell you if they need something. Excuse my southern roots, but for the love…just make them a casserole! Or if you are like me and the kitchen is your enemy, take them a tray of sandwiches from a deli. Cut their grass, take their kids out for a fun day, Venmo them money for a coffee or fund a mild retail therapy session. Make them cookies, help them clean their house, or simply invite them over to watch a movie and eat pizza. You don’t have to talk, just show them that you are honored to love them where they are in whatever season. Often times, sitting beside a hurting heart is the best the gift we can give. Serving your hurting friend in a practical and tangible way is sure to bring comfort. Hey, and if it doesn’t practice patience and love them anyway.
And finally…
5. If you don’t know what to say, don’t say anything
Sometimes it isn’t our calling to give someone advice. There have been moments where I have wanted so badly to pull someone out of the depths with words I just didn’t have. As much as I wanted to speak words of advice over them, I did not. Does that mean that we are then forced to pretend like nothing has happened? No, absolutely not. This means you get to show you care in a different way. Acknowledge their pain in a sensitive and real manner, love them practically and pray for God to give them who they need to process their words through.
This blog is intense, trust me I realize that. The intensity only comes from a passionate place of being on both sides of the hurt. People that are hurting need a voice. The last thing our hurting friend needs while processing their pain is trying to process how to communicate what they need from us.
Let’s educate ourselves, love others, and be there for those that hurt in the best way we possibly can.
Have you found a way to communicate with those who hurt? Please comment below and let’s learn from one another!
Further reading on the 5 stages of grief
Jamie Wassum says
Thank you so much for this post. Love you!!
Sunnie Cotton says
You are the sweet encouragement to me, Jamie! Love you!!!
Anonymous says
Wise words that everyone can relate too. Thank you.
Jayme says
Thank you for sharing these wise words! I often struggle with just how to reach out to someone hurting – to balance showing them I care with respecting their personal space. Your thoughts are practical and super helpful. I am bookmarking this for future reference 🙂
Sunnie Cotton says
Wahoo! Jayme, thank you for reading. It’s so good to hear that you feel these are practical tips to use for later!