Redeeming Love.
My favorite quality of God is his redemptive nature. It’s my favorite because it is humbling that there is no circumstance he cannot redeem. As I think about the depths of this truth, I get tears in my eyes because it still baffles me how He chooses to use broken things for His glory. The concept of the choice God made to love me, despite who I had been and to call me his child makes me love him even more.
Everyone who has experienced the saving grace of God has a moment they are positive was the moment their life changed. For me, that moment came when I least expected it. Then again, I believe that’s how God works. Those moments we least expect serve as an assurance that we are not in control but that all things will work for our good and His glory. I believe redemption is a process. I am thankful that it was not a one-time deal that redeemed me from past transgressions but a process of daily sanctification that reiterates the beauty of grace.
Faking it.
God chose to pursue me for many years before the day I was transformed by His presence. As a child, I remember recognizing that there was a God simply because everyone I knew told me there was. I knew how to learn Bible stories, and I went to church occasionally with friends and grandparents. However, there was no heart connection with God, only a head knowledge of God. As I became a teenager, I developed a discontentment with myself. People who knew me then would probably be surprised to know this because I learned how to pretend. I figured out how to be a different person depending on the setting I was in, and it became my craft that I would practice for many years.
33.
There was one person that did not make me feel like I had to pretend. She chose to love me not for who I portrayed myself to be but for who she saw through her eyes. We had grown up together so, who I became in front of others was not who she saw. She saw her best friend, someone that she worried about, invested in and prayed for. Whitney. This is the name of the person whose life helped to save mine. Whitney and I had things in common but were very different. I was critical and unpredictable. She was joyful and constant. Her smile would light up a room, and she had a way of ushering in peace with her presence. For 19 years she chose to invest in my life no matter how many times I pushed her away. Whitney was what I knew I needed in a friend and everything I wanted to run from because the way she chose to live her life challenged me. I did not understand how someone could choose to love me when I felt unworthy and unlovable. I pushed people away on purpose, and normally they let me, she did not. She saw a different person in me. A person that I could not see in myself and she believed in me. Whitney was a tangible expression of Christ’s love for me. I could not see it then but it is something I am forever grateful for now.
Dusk to Dark.
I am a visual person, so when I examine a situation, it is helpful for me to use metaphors. So, when I think back to my past, I see the moments that make up my life relation to light and dark. Dusk is the time of day where darkness is encroaching, but a few rays of light still manage to filter through. Essentially, it is as if there is a battle between the light and the dark. As I recall moments, a large portion of my life was lived in this dusk. Then there is dark, like midnight where there is absolutely no light shining through the dark. On May 28, 2007, Whitney met our heavenly father, face to face and the completion of her faith was fulfilled. On this day the dusk faded into dark. You have the option to be crushed by the darkness or to search with your whole being for the light even if you are not sure it exists. You search because you’re desperate for relief. My second favorite quality about God is his power and how it is unmatched. Despite the dark of that day and the fact that it would last for many years a miraculous thing happened. As I stood in the cemetery to say goodbye, I felt something shift in my heart and spirit, for the first time I knew with absolute certainty that God was not only real, but I felt him with me. I left that day confused and scared because while I felt him at that moment, I didn’t know how to continue to find him. “The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness can never extinguish it” (John 1:5).
The darker the night, the brighter the morning.
I spent years fighting through these dark days. I was consumed by depression, unhealthy relationships, and self-hatred. At age 25, I found myself desperate for Monday’s in my counselor’s office where I was safe to release all my thoughts and feelings out loud instead of stuff it all down and hide. Unlike other counselors I had seen once or twice, I finally felt that I could stop pretending. She would tell me she was praying for me and while others had said that before, I believed her because I could feel it. Slowly, I began to feel like I could breathe and the darkness didn’t feel so heavy. Monday after Monday it felt as though I removed weights from my ankles and took a step forward. It was if I had been hiding in a closet and someone was slowly pulling the door open to reveal the light from the room just outside. I didn’t just see the light around me, but I felt a pull that I couldn’t explain. I didn’t know where it was leading but it was strong, and everything in me wanted to follow it. I spent a full year with the counselor, and she encouraged me to get involved in a small group, maybe even a church group. That terrified me. I wasn’t going around those people. I would have to play pretend, again. I was certain that it would be an environment of judgment, from people and God.
September 9, 2013
I believe that as the world changes, God places himself in the midst of it all, even social media. One evening while scrolling through Twitter, I noticed the Twitter feed was consumed with tweets about an event called Engage JSU. It was a religious event and all the people tweeting were college students, and I did not feel I fit into either category. So, I kept scrolling until one tweet caught my attention. Before I could talk myself out of it, I had asked the person for more information about the event. The next Monday night, I found myself in my car outside of the Engage JSU event at First Baptist Church of Jacksonville. I am certain that the presence of God got me out of my car and into that church because I felt paralyzed with fear. The pastor was beginning a new message series, “Singleness, Dating, and Marriage.” In a message on “Singleness,” my ears only heard a message about how much God loved me, but I didn’t believe that could be true. I was a filthy mess, and there was no way God could see past all I had done not to mention I still had not completely forgiven myself. Then the pastor said the last words I remember hearing that evening, “Let no one call unclean what God has called clean” (Acts 10:15). Everything around me seemed to stop, my heart beat faster, and tears flooded my eyes as the Holy Spirit of God took up residence within me. I cried out to the Father that night, and He met me there. I was free. I have noticed the trend in adoption stories in which the day the child was adopted is referred to as their “Gotcha Day.” Well, this was my “Gotcha Day.” The day I was adopted into the family of God, eternally.
“I’m confident I’ll see your goodness.” -Catch the Wind, Jonathan David and Melissa Helser
I often hear people question why God allows pain. I read a devotion from LeCrae recently that said, “Your singular purpose is Christ, he gives you numerous assurances that circumstances (sexual abuse, near-death experiences, or the lack of a father) are moments, though threatening, that will work together for good because I am called, I am His, I am loved, and I am strengthened according to His purpose. All things work together according to His purpose, God’s intentionality, not our understanding”. Our moments are individual threads that when woven together with God’s hands create a beautiful tapestry. I have learned to pay close attention to the relationships God gives us because they all have a greater purpose than we sometimes can see. It is so easy to get caught up in the day to day that we barely notice the other lives happening around us or how they impact us. No relationship or acquaintance is by accident. Even though they may seem insignificant in one moment, in the next moment you may be overwhelmed by the eternal significance. Relationships can show you the love and heart of God at just the right time. God collides our life with others every day to allow his love to reach far and wide. He wants to show his power to redeem as we share in the sufferings of this world together because He promises to “not cause pain without something new being born” (Isaiah 66:9). He can and will redeem our stories through connections with others.
So, how can all things work together? Well, the guy whose Twitter post led me to Engage JSU, that led to my salvation, his name is Brad Easley, and he will become my brother-in-law in December. At some point after the night at Engage, he retweeted one of my tweets which his brother, Michael, saw and messaged me. So, that message series on “Singleness, Dating, and Marriage” was quite divine. Our path to marriage has drawn me even closer to the heart of God. It has been one that challenged me to love like Christ, wait for the Lord, and trust our God who makes all things possible will do exceedingly more. Brad attends Church of the Highlands which sparked an interest and led Michael and me there. Attending Church of the Highlands has healed so many areas of my life. Because of Highlands I took a step of faith and joined a small group led by someone I had never met, Sunnie Cotton. I have never been good at connecting with others, but since losing Whitney, it was as if I forgot how to have relationships. It has been a constant struggle of mine to open up to trust others and make friends. However, Sunnie has shown me how important relationships are. Just like Whitney, Sunnie can brighten a room with her smile and energy. Since Whitney has been gone, I often catch myself pondering who she would be now. I try to imagine it all. When I’m around Sunnie I see what I feel like Whitney would be like. I believe that is a gift from God because even though I never ask out loud, he knows my innermost thoughts and how my heart longs to see her. After watching Sunnie open her life for God’s glory and be transparent with her story, I gained the courage to be transparent with the story God has given to me. These illustrations are just a few of the ways God has continued to redeem my past by knitting together my future one thread at a time. Through it all, I have learned to anticipate his goodness despite the circumstances that I face because just as the sun rises his goodness will come and reveal his glory.
Love God. Love People.
Charissa Lambert says
Morgan, this is beautiful!
Kelsey says
Morgan, I love your sweet spirit and thank you for sharing your story!
Vonda Easley says
This is beautiful! I can’t wait to watch as God fulfills His Purpose in your lives together. He wrote your beautiful love story! ❤️
Vonda Easley says
This is beautiful! I can’t wait to watch as God fulfills His Purpose in your lives together. He wrote your beautiful love story! ❤️
Caren says
This is so beautiful and touching. Thank you for sharing ?